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Talking too Much in a Long Distance Relationship: 4 Easy Fixes

Lisa McKay | Updated: October 10, 2023

One of the biggest benefits of being apart is that it forces you to communicate effectively.

But how often should you talk in a long distance relationship? Should you…

  • Talk everday?
  • Text everday?

Will this mean you’re talking too much?

The key is to develop good communication habits that enhance your relationship and don’t allow you to be consumed by the relationship.

It’s easy to allow important things (family, friends, hobbies) to stall. Here’s how to find the right level of communication for your LDR.

what to do when you think you are talking too much in a long distance relationship pinterest image

Should You Talk Everyday In a NEW Long Distance Relationship?

Jumping into the deep end in a new relationship is so easy to do, isn’t it?

When you’re first getting to know someone, the exhilarating intensity of these early connections can feel so exciting, so good. Any call, email, or text can trigger that sweet burst of happy-heart-fireworks.

When you’re in the early stages of a long distance relationship, they’re on your mind all the time. Connecting with them is pretty much all you want to do, and it is so tempting to talk for hours on end whenever you can, write long letters every day, or text every hour.

However, starting out a long distance relationship this way does a couple of things that aren’t good for you down the track.

First, it breeds an intensity that can move you along too fast. You can throw a budding relationship off kilter by jumping into bed with someone too quickly. You can also throw it off kilter by spending too much time, too quickly, connecting deeply into someone’s life.

Second, it establishes intense communication patterns that can be difficult to change later.

Maybe you’ll be able to maintain a pattern of talking to your long distance partner for several hours every day indefinitely. Maybe you’ll want to. Or maybe you’ll come up for air after a month or two and realize that you have a life outside of this new relationship that needs some more time and attention. And when that happens, it can be difficult to take a couple of steps back and move from talking every couple of hours to every couple of days.

This is the point where many new long distance relationship falter and fall apart.

Is It Necessary To Talk Everyday In An ESTABLISHED Long Distance Relationship?

What about if you’ve been together for ages, and you’re as committed as committed can be? It’s fine to spend hours every day talking then, right?

Well, maybe. If you both really want that. And if you don’t have school or a full time job. Or other family and friends you should be paying some attention too. Or any outside hobbies or interests.

So, in other words: No, it’s not fine to spend so much time talking to your long distance love that other important areas of your life wither and die.

Here are some signs that you might have the balance between your love and the rest of your life a bit skewed:

Tips For When You Think You’re Talking Too Much In Your Long Distance Relationship

1. Talk, text, or email at a rate that feels sustainable

If you’re blowing off huge chunks of work time emailing them (or, even worse, checking out their Facebook photo albums and reading their wall) that’s not sustainable unless you have a very forgiving or extraordinarily absent-minded employer. If you’re staying up until 2 am talking to your partner every night, likewise.

2. If you’re starting to resent the amount of time you’re spending communicating with your new long distance partner, tell them!

Don’t deal with the problem by ignoring their calls or emails. Say something like, “I really like you, and I think we have something special, but I’m feeling really stretched right now and I need to pay some attention to other parts of my life. Can we try talking only every two or three days for a while?”

3. If you sense that your long distance partner needs a bit of space, give it to them.

It can be hard to hold off calling or texting for a day or two, but sometimes giving someone space is the best thing we can do to help them. And if you find that you’re feeling really anxious and needy with less contact, try these seven tips for coping with feeling scared and insecure in your relationship.

4. Spend some of your time and energy on your friends.

Don’t spend all day talking to or emailing your new love! It’s really important to keep spending time with other friends, too.

4 Questions About Your Communication Frequency

Finally, answer these questions yourself. Then talk through them with your partner.

  1. What sort of communication patterns have you established? How often are you talking, and for how long? How frequently are you emailing or texting? What is “normal” for you?
  2. How do you feel about those patterns? What are you getting out of this? What are you giving up?
  3. Do you think these patterns are sustainable?
  4. Ideally, how frequently would you like to be talking, emailing, or texting?

How do you think your partner would answer all these questions?

Don’t forget, If you haven’t discussed this openly with them, do. Even if you’re both on exactly the same page now, discussing this issue now will make it easier to raise again if you want to cut down, or increase, your communication at some point in the future.

Plus, you might be surprised at what you learn about each other along the way. And, after all, the best part of being in a long distance relationship is that it forces you to communicate. Right?

How Will You Deal With Excessive Communication In long Distance Relationships?

When you’re long distance, it’s alarmingly easy to allow yourself to be consumed by the relationship and letting other things like your family, friends, work/study and your health slip.

But this will only make you more depressed in the short term, and hurt you in the long run.

So do not spend every spare minute talking to your partner (or daydreaming about said partner). Right from the beginning, remember to keep building a life where you are. A life full of friends and fun.

Do things that make you fitter, smarter, and happier. Stay in contact with other people you love, too. Do things that interest you. Do these things alone, if need be. Remember, investing in yourself is another way of investing in your most important relationship. Start now!

Lisa McKay author image for bio
Lisa McKay is an award-winning author and psychologist. She is also the founder of Modern Love Long Distance, now a part of Lasting The Distance. Drawing upon her own extensive experience with long distance relationships, Lisa helps couples navigate LDR pitfalls and forge meaningful, enduring connections across the miles.
Our FREE 7 day LDR challenge is BACK!

Unlock better date nights, deeper communication plus a stronger intimate & emotional connection.